The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book Read online

  MR YOUNG

  You left your lights on.

  Crowley snaps his fingers. The lights go out.

  MR YOUNG (CONT’D)

  Oh. That’s clever. Is it infra-red?

  CROWLEY

  Has it started yet?

  MR YOUNG

  They made me go out.

  CROWLEY

  Any idea how long we’ve got?

  MR YOUNG

  I think we were, er, getting on with it, doctor.

  CROWLEY

  Got it. What room is she in?

  MR YOUNG

  We’re in Room Three.

  And Crowley nods.

  CROWLEY

  Room Three. Got it.

  GOD (V.O.)

  There’s a trick they do with one pea and three shells, or with playing cards, which is very hard to follow, and something like it, for greater stakes than a handful of loose change, is about to take place.

  136INT. CARD TRICK – NIGHT

  We are looking from above at a green baize table. A hand puts down three cards, face down.

  137INT. DELIVERY ROOM THREE – NIGHT

  Looking at Mrs Young’s face, giving birth . . . She’s smiling, looking proud and exhausted . . .

  GOD (V.O.)

  Deirdre Young is in Delivery Room Three. She is having a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby A.

  138INT. CARD TRICK

  The first card is flipped. It has a picture of a baby on it, with a blue blanket.

  139INT. DELIVERY ROOM FOUR

  Mrs Dowling, giving birth angry and screaming. Secret Service Men filming. Mother Superior and SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS are in there.

  GOD (V.O.)

  Harriet Dowling is giving birth in Delivery Room Four. She is having a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby B.

  140INT. CARD TRICK

  A second card is turned over. It has an identical baby on it, but with a cream blanket.

  141INT. ST BERYL’S CONVENT CORRIDOR – NIGHT – 2007

  Crowley comes up some back stairs, and out into a corridor. He’s looking around, trying to find a nun. And he sees one from behind.

  CROWLEY

  Psst!

  142INT. CARD TRICK

  The third card is turned face up: a third identical baby, but with a red blanket. It’s flipped face down, or a hand is passed over it. Now when we see the face of the card, it has a drawing on it of something monstrous.

  GOD (V.O.)

  Sister Mary Loquacious is about to be handed a golden-haired male baby we will call the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Prince of This World, and Lord of Darkness.

  143INT. ST BERYL’S CONVENT CORRIDOR – NIGHT – 2007

  Sister Mary Loquacious, looking down into the picnic hamper. She is carrying a vintage biscuit tin.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Is that him?

  CROWLEY

  Yup.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Only I’d expected funny eyes. Or teensy-weensy little hoofikins. Or a widdle tail.

  She’s taken the baby out of the basket. It’s wrapped in a RED blanket . . .

  CROWLEY

  It’s definitely him.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Fancy me holding the Antichrist. And counting his little toesy-wosies . . . Do you look like your daddy? I bet you do. I bet you look like your daddywaddykins . . .

  CROWLEY

  He doesn’t. Take him up to Room Three.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Room three . . . do you think he’ll remember me when he grows up?

  CROWLEY

  Pray that he doesn’t.

  CUT TO:

  144INT. CARD TRICK

  GOD (V.O.)

  Three babies. Watch carefully. Round and round they go.

  The playing cards are pushed around on the table, three-card-monte-style, until we cannot tell which is which.

  CUT TO:

  145INT. ST BERYL’S CONVENT MAIN HALL – NIGHT 2007

  Sister Mary Loquacious, carrying the baby. She puts it into a wheeled bassinet.

  Sister Grace Voluble notices her.

  SISTER GRACE VOLUBLE

  Sister Mary, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be taking biscuits to the refectory?

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Master Crowley said . . .

  SISTER GRACE VOLUBLE

  Have you seen the civilian husband anywhere? It’s time to send him up, and he’s wandering about the building unescorted . . .

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  I’ve only seen Master Crowley, and he said take the baby to Room Three . . .

  SISTER GRACE VOLUBLE

  Well, get on with it, then.

  CUT TO:

  146INT. HOSPITAL ROOM THREE – NIGHT – 2007

  Sister Mary goes in, with the ANTICHRIST BABY in a hospital-style bassinet, to the room in which Deirdre Young is asleep.

  Mrs Young has BABY A in an identical bassinet sleeping soundly beside her.

  Sister Mary looks at the two babies. They look quite similar, don’t they? The one already there is in a BLUE blanket; the one she brings in is in a RED one.

  A hesitant knock on the door. Mr Young.

  MR YOUNG

  Has it happened yet? I’m the father. The husband. Both.

  MARY

  Ooh yes. Congratulations. Your lady wife’s asleep, poor pet.

  Mr Young looks down at the babies. Baby A and the Antichrist baby in their bassinets. He jumps to a conclusion.

  MR YOUNG

  Twins? Nobody said anything about twins.

  MARY

  Oh, no! This one’s yours. The other one’s . . . someone else’s. Just looking after him. No, this one’s definitely yours, your ambassadorship. From the top of his head to the tips of his hoofywoofies – which he hasn’t got.

  MR YOUNG

  All, er, present and correct, is he?

  MARY

  Oh, yes. Normal. Very, very normal.

  CUT TO:

  147INT. DELIVERY ROOM FOUR – NIGHT – 2007

  Everything in this delivery room is FAST-CUT, with adventurous camera moves and pounding music: we see the sweat on foreheads, sharp lighting. It is a much bigger delivery room, which is good because it has to fit a lot of people. We have our secret service men, one of them with his video camera, one of them holding up a small screen, a couple of MINOR US OFFICIALS, nurse nuns, and Harriet Dowling, who has just given birth to BABY B, loudly and angrily.

  SECRET SERVICE #1

  The Eagle has landed. Repeat. The Eagle has landed.

  The Mother Superior and Sister Theresa Garrulous give each other SIGNIFICANT LOOKS. Mother Superior moves in.

  MOTHER SUPERIOR

  A beautiful boy. Now we just have to take him away for a minute to weigh him, and, the usual . . .

  And she goes to put the newborn Baby B in a bassinet . . .

  TAD DOWLING

  A boy. Mr President, I have the honour, sir, to report myself the father of a regular Y-chromosomed son.

  PRESIDENT BUSH

  Yep. Now, about the trade agreement . . .

  TAD DOWLING

  Absolutely. Back to business. Right, Harriet? This father-of-a-male-boy-son is all yours, Mr President.

  Sister Theresa Garrulous, unnoticed, leaves. More pounding music.

  CUT TO:

  148INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT – 2007

  As Sister Theresa leaves, two nuns wheel a bassinet away containing Baby B . . . Theresa goes the other way down the corridor . . .

  CUT TO:

  149INT. ROOM 2 – NIGHT – 2007

  Pounding music. In Room Two, two different Chattering Nuns are playing cards, guarding an empty bassinet.

  Sister Theresa Garrulous bursts in.

  SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS

  Where’s the baby?

  Nuns look up from their card game. They look blank.

  SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS (CONT’D)


  Satan give me strength.

  CUT TO:

  150INT. STAIRWELL – NIGHT – 2007

  Sister Theresa is heading down a stairwell, as fast as she can. She’s panicking.

  CUT TO:

  151INT. ST BERYL’S CONVENT CORRIDOR – NIGHT – 2007

  Sister Theresa comes down a corridor and encounters Sister Grace.

  SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS

  Do you know where our master’s child is?

  SISTER GRACE VOLUBLE

  Sister Mary Loquacious has him. In Room Three.

  And Sister Theresa is running in a most un-nun-like fashion . . .

  CUT TO:

  152INT. ST BERYL’S CONVENT CORRIDOR – NIGHT – 2007

  Pounding music. Now Sister Theresa Garrulous isn’t actually running down the corridors, but she is moving as fast as she can, scanning every open room as she passes . . .

  CUT TO:

  153INT. DELIVERY ROOM THREE – NIGHT – 2007

  . . . and Sister Theresa pushes open the door to Room Three. Mrs Young is still asleep. Sister Mary and Mr Young are having a cup of tea each.

  Sister Mary is presenting Mr Young with a selection of pink iced biscuits.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Now these are what we call bis-cuits, but you’ll be looking at them and going

  (fingerquotes)

  ‘cookies’!

  MR YOUNG

  I call them biscuits.

  And Sister Theresa spots the two babies. Sister Mary winks and points to one. Sister Theresa winks back.

  Freeze frame . . .

  GOD (V.O.)

  As methods of human communication go, the human wink is quite versatile. For example, Sister Theresa’s meant:

  SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS

  Where the hell have you been? We’re ready to make the switch, and here’s you in the wrong room with the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Prince of This World, and Lord of Darkness, drinking tea.

  GOD (V.O.)

  And, as far as she was concerned, Sister Mary’s answering wink meant . . .

  Sister Mary looks up from her tea, and says, sharp, sexy and out of character (the voice dubbed by Sister Theresa):

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  This child is the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Prince of This World, and Lord of Darkness. But I can’t talk now because there’s this outsider here.

  GOD (V.O.)

  Sister Mary, on the other hand, had thought that Sister Theresa’s wink was more on the lines of . . .

  Sister Theresa is now dubbed by Sister Mary.

  SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS

  Well done, that Sister Mary – switched over the babies all by herself. Now indicate to me the superfluous child and I shall remove it and let you get on with your tea with his Royal Excellency the American Ambassador.

  Back to reality.

  SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS (CONT’D)

  (to Mr Young)

  Extra baby . . . removal . . .

  She wheels Baby A out of the room, leaving the Antichrist baby behind.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  But I’m wittering on. So where were you before you took up this appointment?

  MR YOUNG

  Swindon.

  CUT TO:

  154INT. DELIVERY ROOM FOUR – NIGHT – 2007

  Sister Theresa takes Baby A out of the bassinet and hands him to Mrs Dowling.

  SISTER THERESA GARRULOUS

  Here’s your little man back. All cleaned up and weighed.

  The secret service men edge forward nervously. One is still filming: Mrs Dowling shows the baby to his camera.

  MRS DOWLING

  Look, honey. Our son.

  TAD DOWLING

  He’s beautiful, hon. What a little tyke, huh? Seeing him makes me understand what’s important in life. It’s not work. I’m going to teach him to play baseball, and on Sundays we’ll go fishing and . . . sorry hon, I’ll call you back.

  The awkwardness of the moment is increased as the Mother Superior, whom we had not seen enter the room, says, ominously:

  MOTHER SUPERIOR

  You must name the child.

  HARRIET

  Well, we were going to name him Thaddeus, after his pop. And his pop’s pop . . .

  MOTHER SUPERIOR

  Damien’s an excellent name.

  HARRIET

  Damien Dowling? Too alliterative.

  MOTHER SUPERIOR

  Warlock, then. It’s an old English name. A good name.

  Harriet looks down at little Warlock.

  HARRIET

  Hello, Warlock.

  CUT TO:

  155INT. ROOM THREE – NIGHT – 2007

  Deirdre Young is still asleep, as is the Antichrist baby. Sister Mary is getting into the naming.

  MR YOUNG

  Damien? No, I had fancied something more, well, traditional. We’ve always gone in for good simple names in our family.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Cain. Very modern sound, Cain, really.

  MR YOUNG

  Hmm.

  SISTER MARY LOQUACIOUS

  Or there’s always . . . well, there’s always Adam.

  MR YOUNG

  Adam? Hmm. Adam . . .

  And at that moment the baby wakes, and opens its eyes, and starts to cry . . . and the baby, waking, wakes Deirdre Young.

  DEIRDRE

  Oh. Give him here, Arthur. Come on little one . . .

  She reaches for the crying baby and prepares to breastfeed.

  MR YOUNG

  You know, Deirdre, I think he looks like an Adam.

  DEIRDRE

  Hello, Adam.

  CUT TO:

  156INT. THE CONVENT CORRIDOR – NIGHT – 2007

  Two nuns are coming towards us, wheeling a bassinet, containing Baby B, the Dowling baby.

  GOD

  It would be nice to think that the nuns had the surplus baby – Baby B – discreetly adopted. That he grew to be a happy, normal child, and, then, grew further to become a normal, fairly contented adult. And perhaps that is what happened. He probably wins prizes for his tropical fish.

  157INT. CROWLEY’S BENTLEY – NIGHT – 2007

  Crowley has a hands-free calling system: he’s driving.

  CROWLEY

  Call Aziraphale.

  CARPHONE SYSTEM

  Calling Aziraphale.

  PHONE SYSTEM

  We are sorry. All circuits are busy. We are sorry. All circuits are . . .

  158INT. THE BOOKSHOP – NIGHT – 2007

  Aziraphale enters, humming Schubert. Hangs up his coat.

  The phone on the desk rings . . . Aziraphale glares at it. He wants to let it ring. Then he picks it up.

  AZIRAPHALE

  I’m afraid we’re quite definitely closed.

  159INT. TADFIELD VILLAGE PHONE BOX – NIGHT – 2007

  Crowley is standing in the last village phone box in England to have a working payphone in it.

  CROWLEY

  Aziraphale? It’s me. We have to talk.

  AZIRAPHALE

  Yes. Yes, I rather think we do.

  CROWLEY

  Really? Okay. Usual place.

  AZIRAPHALE

  I, um . . . I assume this is about . . .

  CROWLEY

  Armageddon. Yes.

  He breaks the connection.

  160EXT. ST JAMES’S PARK DUCK POND – MORNING – 2007

  It’s morning in St James’s Park. It feels like a spy movie.

  GOD (V.O.)

  Everyone knows the best place for a clandestine meeting in London is, and always has been, St James’s Park. They say the ducks in St James’s Park are so used to being fed by secret agents that they’ve developed Pavlovian reactions to them.

  There are people around the pond, all pretending that they are not secret agents having clandestine meetings. We can see a Russian and an American having a meeting, a British ag
ent and a Chinese, a French and a Brazilian. In each case, they are actually eating sandwiches and pretending to feed the ducks.